Uzumaki Tachi
by Kaluki
Summary: Nothing’s foolproof to the experienced fool, and Naruto’s had a couple of decades practice. Kyuubi’s had a few millennia. Give them a jutsu that breaks the laws of the universe, and a desperate plan to save Konoha before it fell - what could go wrong?


**Summary: **Nothing's foolproof to the experienced fool, and Naruto's had a couple of decades practice. Kyuubi's had a few millennia. Give them a jutsu that breaks the laws of the universe, and a desperate plan to save Konoha before it fell - what could possibly go wrong?

**Disclaimer:** Naruto's not mine (Disclaimer applies to all chapters.)

**A/N:** Halloo! Long time no see, for which I blame exams. Anyway, I came across the quote somewhere (can't remember where) – that "Nothing's foolproof to the experienced fool" – and got inspired. Thus, Uzumaki Tachi! I'm not sure where this one will go, so if anyone has a preferred direction, by all means drop a line. Other than that… Enjoy! And a cookie to anyone who gets the title.

**Warning: **Mention of Yaoi, which may or may not evolve into anything.

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**Uzumaki Tachi**

The light show was quite spectacular, really. A dizzying display of colours and swirls, a kaleidoscope of all possible paths and choices laid out like a tapestry in a washing machine – truly, it was a gift to those who saw it.

The only witness, however, was not impressed. He duly informed the world of his mighty displeasure, pointing out with great clarity what exactly was amiss and how such things could be rectified.

"WAAAAHHHHH!"

"For the love of Ramen, someone make the brat _shut up!_"

Kyuubi shook himself angrily, prowling about the dingy sewer with a murderous glint in his eyes. He wrinkled his nose and sidestepped a particularly septic looking puddle, flashing his claws warningly when it appeared to follow him.

"**So this is what I'll become, is it?**" a voice boomed from above him. Kyuubi turned lazily as the massive being sneered. "**Pretty please Kami, kill me now.**" Kyuubi faced the tall bars, smirking as he saw the seal on them – mint condition as well, look at that. He looked up – and slightly further up (how much had the meatbag shrunk him anyway?) – into dark eyes and swirling red chakra.

"No can do, darling self," he said with mocking politeness. "Time-space continuum and all that. Now if you don't mind, there are some things I must attend to." He turned around, for all appearances forgetting the larger demon – although the dark smirk betrayed his amusement. "Oi, Meatbag!"

"Right behind you, Furball," came the distinctly unamused reply. Kyuubi turned around again (and really, that was getting tiresome now), mouth open for a scathing retort –

And burst into laughter at the image of the furious Rokudaime Hokage. The Jinchuuriki _had_ cut quite an imposing figure – tall and muscled, with strong features and eyes that could stare down a tidal wave (he'd done it once too, admittedly with a tornado-jutsu backing him up, but it's the principle of the matter). Now, though, his face was soft and his hair was wispy strands of sunshine, the ears perched precariously atop his head were overlarge and the golden tails behind him were fluffy. Oh yes, and he was barely a foot tall and not yet strong enough to stand up.

Kyuubi laughed long and hard, and even the imposing demon behind him showed some sadistic glee.

"What was it you said again?" the baby asked, his harsh words at odds with the comically high voice. "Oh yes, _'The Great Kyuubi could hold open a time rift wide enough for an army to pass through unscathed,'_ wasn't it?"

"Hey, like you can talk!" Kyuubi answered indignantly. "Who was so confident about navigating the damn thing, huh?"

Naruto waved his hands ineffectively, eyes blazing as he snapped, "If you hadn't merged us together and mucked up my chakra stores, we would have gone _exactly_ where I wanted!"

Kyuubi paused. "Merged?" he questioned in a small voice.

"**Explains the Ramen comment,**" his younger self muttered from the cage.

"Oh yes, _brother,_" Naruto said, eyes lit up with something akin to unholy glee at Kyuubi's dismay. "Or didn't you notice how strange you've been acting?"

"**A disgrace to all demons,**" younger Kyuubi put in helpfully.

"Light-headedness!" Kyuubi sputtered, gesturing wildly. "Intoxication! Momentary insanity! All an act to fool you!"

"Oh, I don't deny the insanity," Naruto answered. "Both of us are likely mental and unstable."

"But I can't be!" Kyuubi wailed. "I'm the Demon Lord!"

"**Actually, I am.**"

"Have you seen what you look like yet?" Naruto asked. At the demon's – half demon, rather – forlorn look, he sighed. A second later a large mirror shimmered existence. Kyuubi stared, growing horror in his red eyes.

Like his former host, he was basically humanoid, keeping only his ears and his tails (thankfully all nine of them). His fur was still a deep red colour that carried over into his hair, sitting in messy heap atop his head. His hands were clawed, and a quick growl showed his teeth were still fangs, but his build was wiry and lithe – certainly less muscle than Naruto had had as an adult. And his ears…

"I'm growing my hair out," he stated firmly. Naruto looked surprised at the comment, and Kyuubi elaborated, "I _refuse_ to have my ears longer than my hair!"

His ears had, in some strange quirk, retained their overly exaggerated length. On his former self, he could claim it looked sleek and dangerous; as it was now, he looked like some sort of rabbit. "This is all your fault, Meatbag!"

"Shh," Naruto said. His eyes were slightly unfocussed, as if looking into the distance. "You almost woke the baby."

The silence that followed had not been heard since the time Kakashi had forsworn porn for a week (though they later discovered he lost a bet with Anko, of all people).

"The… baby?" Kyuubi finally choked out. "I thought you were gay!"

"Not _my_ baby, Furbrain. The younger me."

"**Where is it, anyway?**"

Naruto sighed, rubbing his head slightly (and scowling as his hand hit his ears). "In a new body. There wasn't space for the four of us, so I put him in a clone."

"How come it's still alive, anyway?" Kyuubi asked. "It should have been replaced when we came back."

"So should your younger self," Naruto reminded him. "Except that, because someone squished us together, we're not the same souls anymore so we can't replace anyone."

Kyuubi was about the answer, most likely something loudly denying any part in squishings together of annoying ninja and mighty demons, when his younger self interrupted him. "**I have a soul?**"

"No," Naruto said, "and that's the only reason this whole seal things works in the first place. You're just a whole load of chakra given form and will." He smiled as a thought presented itself. "Basically like a sentient, mildly annoying jutsu, really."

"**Impudent human!**"

"Meatbag!"

"Yeah yeah, and a bucket of ramen," Naruto waved them off. "The point is, Naruto and I can't share a body without tearing it apart." He frowned slightly. "And we need a way to distinguish between ourselves. This name thing is stupid."

"So what are you gonna do then?" Kyuubi asked, waving away the identity problem. _He_ sure as hell wasn't giving up his name. He'd had it longest, after all.

Naruto's answering grin could have served as a poster-boy for evil, even more so for the innocently childish face it was plastered on. "Say hello to the Uzumaki twins."

Even the massive demon fox shivered in his cage as the doom-laden foreboding washed over him.

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End file.
